oh crap. all these headaches and chest pains are killing me. DAMMIT.

bullshit.





there's nothing like a fairytale.





i'm a perfectionist.
i cant stand imperfections.
even though i'm imperfect.

haha. dinner at sakae on thurs. tsktsk.




my pathetic table.




drawing by zhong de.



our lovely pantry. main sponsers : zhong de. sub sponsors : us. tsk tsk.

before:


after:


some random pictures. this is what we do when we're bored at work.



caught slacking.


alot of zhong de.






went to stage yesterday. disappointing. haha. treated bf and huiyu to dinner at soup restaurant. zhong de like die also dont want go. duhh. so dont give face lah. grrr. anyway i'm gonna get this cap. =D




lastly, look at this.



i'm a lizard~ haha.

walao. such piercing pain through my mind.
and such cramps in my heart.





this isnt good. jialat.

oh man. i think i'm gonna puke from excess usage of the laptop. anyway i didnt know i had a blister and i happily scratched it and it happily peeled and i have a bleeding wound. DAMN PAIN LA! omg. i dont know what to wear tomorrow le. =(((((

they really did asked me bout my sis and if i were to go uni.

the smoke was overwhelming. in addition, my eyes were so so dry. with the smoke, it almost make me tear. we saw the guy who acted as coffee sao de husband. i didnt know he was hakka. he was kinda arrogant. he didnt even smile when we smiled to him. wth. anyways i felt like a lobster when burning those incense paper for my mom. i was red from the heat.

my uncle said with my fringe, i look like the girl in snoopy. the one with specs. they said i look very blur. they said the previous fringe was better. haha. anyways i'm gonna do something to my hair next month.


it's not cool to act strong. totally not cool. i've been thinking bout the point of time when my mom was about to go. i didnt cry at first. why? now that i've been thinking back, it's not like i'm not sad or anything. i was just shocked. totally shocked.

i was sleeping. then, i was just woken up in the middle of the night. my mom sitting in the living room, with my dad and sis by her side. my sis has already started crying. i went to wash up. and i realised what's happening. she was leaving. i was just 14. i didnt know what to do. lost, i was just looking. and looking. and looking. most of my relatives rushed down. she was miserable. but i know she doesnt want to go. then she left. leaving us behind. and finally i get what's going on. i realised she wouldnt be with us anymore. i realised this aint like those tv serials where people dont really die when they die. i realised it's all happening on me. just when i became rebellious, this happened to me.

during her funeral, we were all crying like shit. my dad tried staying strong until his best friend came. and he broke down. it was the first time i saw him cry. and it came back to me, why? why would i abandon my mom to go out and play. or lie to my mom so that i can go out with those so called friends. why i didnt put in my effort to accompany her after school? when none of my 'bestest' friends came in my moment of despair.

and i was obviously at a funeral and the cca i was in threatened me to sack me if i didnt come. i was like wtf. you aint my priority already. this is more important. the thing i was handling was much much more important. i quit in the end.

after she left, everything started crumpling. literally. dad had to close down his business. i simply had no mood to study anymore. i started to do stupid things in school. sms-ing instead of listening in class. skipping class to cry. skipping school to hang out. sneaking out to play in the middle of the night. i flunked most subjects. and i stopped believing in those 'bestest' friend. i began to doubt everything. the life i was having. the things i was saying. the world i was seeing.

i was losing control of everything. i did stupid things after meeting this new clique. just as i starting to pick things up. just as i started believing in friends again a year later. i set the wrong priorities. i will fail deliberately to accompany my friend cause she didnt study. or going her house to chill when o levels the next day. so i ended up in poly.

poly was okay in the beginning. but i began fearing others to know bout my background. i feared that they will laugh at me. i feared being despised at. i feared losing the friends i've made. i feared losing everything again. but conflicts start happening. and those i've called friends werent friends anymore. i met bf. to think that he has more problems at home than me. i didnt know there are situations worst than those portrayed in tv dramas.

i started thinking. thinking if i should care so much bout how others think about me. how others commented bout me. why do i care so much bout what people say about me? i am me. i dont have to care so much as long as i dont do things that will harm others. i was diagnosed with thyroids in year 2. i didnt know how badly it can affect me. i began to keep to myself while trying to cope with thyroids and school work. i stopped talking unless necessary. cause i dont like conflicts. but people just take it another way. in a way that i was the one who dont wanna be included during conversations. but whatever, 3 years of poly life have passed. i'm learning to enter the working society.

now that 6 years have passed. i learned to be myself again. although life's never the same as 6 years ago. no more reunion dinner. no more family dinner. no more family outings. but i will work hard. i know my dad is super proud of my sister now. she's got a second upper. so i must be as good as her. or even better. i wanna earn enough to bring him out for vacation. enough for him to enjoy life and not having to worry bout us anymore. life's too short to be someone else. i am myself. i dont wanna hide like a hermit anymore. i dont wanna lie bout my background anymore. those who know me well will know. i'm living for myself now. not for someone else. not manipulated by anyone anymore.

i wanna cry when i want to. not acting strong when i'm not. not breaking down on comments by others. and enjoying the time, the people i have now not regretting till later. life's real short. real real short.

i'm so bored. i'm so hungry. i'm feeling so down. i'm kinda lost.

anyway gonna go 拜 my mama tomorrow. i think i'm gonna be so bored since my sis aint around. and i think they are going to bombard me with tonnes of question as to why my sis aint here. and if i'm going uni. and there they will go saying i'm not as good as my sis. blah blah blah. dammit.

i feel like going out right now....

all the chest pains and headaches are coming back. but i cant be bothered to go for any checkups anymore.

all the ots are draining me. all the politics. but i'm glad that there's still those i can rely on after being bored of work. just crapping around can make your day.

had dinner with huiyu last night at nyny. had some chats. talking bout life, friends, work, colleagues. talking bout d1. go screw yourself. dont touch me if you not related to me. and i'm not contemplating to be related to you either. i dont like touchy guys.

huiyu's pizza~


my 'chicken chop'.


my candy floss.


huiyu and her floss~


views as at esplanade.







leow sh has been found today. wth. we search for so long but to no avail yet she just search for the list in like less than half an hour. boo! =(

after waiting for an hour, i gave up. i'm thinking of giving up. really. i'm tired of waiting already. i had enough of waiting. i had enough.

i wanted to make up for both dinners we lost on thurs and fri. but it didnt happen. it didnt. it wont happen again.

i really dont care whether you're rich or not. i really dont care bout any bouquets or gifts. i really dont care bout dining at a high class restaurant or not. i can save up all my money just to spend on you, buy things for you. i can starve myself and save up the money to get something for you and be broke. i can do any and everything for you. but right now, i just want a simple meal. that's all that i want.

i'm finally starting my project at oc. people there are super nice especially my group mates like cheewei aka 肿的，huiyu aka 妈妈猪,sandy, desmond and weiliang. not to forget regan. haha of course i'm closer with those lamer ones like cw and hy. =D we are super 38 one lah. tsktsk.

we had been searching for this leow sh for a week plus but he is no where to be found. while we were conducting the search, we keep talking. so funny lah. and all the nicks came out from the chat.
actually i really enjoy the times with these few people. i mean it's like so much fun lah. bitching, talking nonsense and stuff. sometimes i feel closer to them rather than those i've known for years. which is such a sad case. such not-a-good thing. =(

oh man. what to do? people come and go. =(((

i looking forward to the lunch times and chat session during work!! =D

i've been thinking.


maybe this is leading nowhere.
maybe this is leading to no future.
maybe things aint to be in this manner.
maybe things shant be continued.
maybe it's time to give up.
maybe it's time to regret for decisions made.
maybe it's time to work and forget studies.
maybe it's time to study instead of work.
maybe it's all my fault.
maybe it's all because of your bad understanding.
maybe it's just miscommunication.
maybe it's ending.
maybe it might continue.
maybe the sky aint gray.
maybe the sky is turning gray.
maybe life's too short to regret.
maybe life's too long to live.


maybe...







maybe.....




maybe i should just jump down and kill myself so that i will not have to think of these 'maybe's.